Dark Lord Prevention Technology
A/N: I do not own Harry Potter, his image, likeness, or the piles of money he has made his creator. But you knew that.
Harry Potter and the Dark Lord Prevention Technology
“Have you got any idea what this is about?”
Harry Potter looked up from his copy of the flier that Luna Lovegood had handed them a few seconds before. “I haven’t got a clue Hermione. ‘A presentation of Dark Lord Prevention Technologies by Quibbler Technologies, a wholly owned subsidiary of Quibbler Publishing.’” He quoted. “Well, there’s a three hour wait after the finishing Feast until the Express boards, why not? Considering its Luna it will be different if nothing else.”
Hermione wasn’t satisfied. “Ron, she was with you at the final battle, have you and idea what she’s up to?”
“Ope. Thee gust rnnn o’er t gibbst’s od un list ‘is obe.” Ron said helpfully while shoveling his dinner into his mouth.
“Ron I’ve been asking you for 7 years now, PLEASE don’t speak with your mouth full.”
“Opa Gemoony, em sogly.”
“And I said yes. Harry had I been drinking when I said yes to Ron?”
“Yeah, for about 5 hours.”
“That explains it.” She turned her attention back to Ron. “If you keep eating like that, you’ll be as big as Goyle by the time you’re 30.”
“Ah, we’ll be married, and have a 8 or 9 kids by then.”
“8 or 9?”
“Maybe more, that depends on you.” He poked her in the stomach. I mean, how long will it take you to recover and get ready for the next Weasley Sprog in the old production line?”
“Mum can’t wait. She’s gonna teach you all the housewife tricks. We’ll live at the Burrow for 3 or 4 years until I can afford to build our own house.”
“I don’t know if the Burrow will be convenient for my job”
“Hermione, Weasley women don’t work. Ever.”
Luna Lovegood took the stage.
“Good Evening Witches and Wizards, welcome to my presentation. It is surely no surprise to anyone that Europe has a Dark Lord problem. Every 25 -30 years somewhere in Europe a Wizard comes to power, and starts a rampage across Europe with all the resulting death and destruction that we have all witnessed from the most recent Dark Lord, Voldemort. We at Quibbler Technologies have done quite a bit of research looking for commonalities that link the last 12 Dark Lords.”
An image was projected next to Luna via one of her elaborate rune scripts. “As you can see, the Dark Lords don’t at first blush have much in common. While they are universally male, they have few other common features. They have come from different countries, some have been pureblood, some have been halfbloods, one was Muggle born. There are Dark Lords that were orphans, those that came from small families, some from large families.
After several months of research we at Quibbler Technologies have determined only the common features of the last 12 Dark Lords to be as follows:
They were all male. While there have been several instances of Dark Ladies or Dark Witches, they seem to lack the desire to rule the world. In an interview with the Dark Lady Saraphere she said, and I quote “Given the amount of time and effort I have to put in to just keeping my followers from killing each other, who has the energy to try and rule the world? Besides, every Fall when the new crop of 17 year olds show up for my Harem, why mess with perfection?” An interesting side note, only 4 of the last 12 Dark Lords have had Harems. The others all seemed to have a single female attendant, who was often their most competent and deadly follower. These most competent and deadly followers all seem to be angry all the time.
They produce no children. Not even those with Harems, where the women would be jockeying for favor.
Of the last 12 Dark Lords only one had a known girlfriend during their school years, and that one became her Dark Lords most competent and deadly follower. She was angry all the time.
At their autopsies, it was noted that all of the last 12 Dark Lords came in at the extreme low end of genitalia size.
Could the entire Dark Lord taking over the world thing simple be someone compensating for having a small penis? We at Quibbler Technologies believe it to be so. In search of a solution to this problem, we have looked to our Muggle Cousins for their solution to this Powerful Man/Small Penis, or PMSP Syndrome problem.”
Harry turned to Hermione and whispered “She’s gonna get us all killed.”
“I think I can see where she’s going with this. My god, could it be that simple?” The bushy haired genius asked.
“Our Muggle neighbor also had a problem of reoccurring Dark Men, leading followers on rampages across Europe laying waste and causing death and destruction. This cycle was broken by a Muggle invention:”
The image from the runes changed to show a classic 1954 Triumph TR-2.
“The Muggles call them ‘sports cars’. With this simple device a Muggle man suffering from PMSP syndrome can still attract a young attractive mate and impress her with his prestige and money without that entire bothersome killing people thing.”
“Surely it can’t be that simple.” Hermione whispered.
“Well it would certainly explain quite a few things” Harry agreed.
“Do you think this thing is catered?” Asked Ron.
“Do you think that I was drunk enough to have saying ‘yes’ not count as a verbal contract?”
“Don’t know. Good Luck” Harry smirked.
“As a result of our research Quibbler Technologies will be bringing out a line of Sports Cars modified to meet the needs of the discerning Wizard. Rather than bothering with the messy and inefficient internal combustion engine, the Quibbler Line for sports vehicles will run on proven broom technology.
Our researchers have resolved the mutual interference problem known to all broom enthusiasts by placing each broom into a protective cylinder. Our sports cars will be classed by the number of cylinders they hold. There will be a budget 3 cylinder model, 4 cylinder, 6 cylinder mounted at a slant for some technical reason, and 8 and 12 cylinder models wherein the cylinders are mounted in a Vee shape.
All of the models will of course have the standard Muggle avoidance charms, ground and flight modes, as well as the ability to give the outward appearance of a Muggle vehicle with all the sounds that entails.”
Following Luna’s presentation (which was catered, to Ron’s delight) she sought out Hermione and Harry.
“What did you think?”
“Made a lot of sense to me. Anything that prevents another Dark Lord is a good thing.” Said Harry.
“Your ideas are brilliant Luna. Your discovery of PMSP syndrome will improve life all around.” Hermione agreed
“Dix Fu dib guub!” added Ron.
“Harry, if we leave now we can find a private carriage…” suggested Ginny.
Luna led them around the displays showing them the scale models she had come up with based on classic Muggle designs.
“I’m impressed you could get around the interference brooms generate when you try and get them to work in formation.”
“Hey Luna, this one’s pretty cool.” Ron said having finished his meal. “Does it come in Chudley Orange?”
“Oh Hell NO!” Hermione’s out burst attracted the attention of the crowd. She shot a look at Lavender, who nodded sadly and held her hands with her index fingers about 3 inches apart and mouthed the word ‘hard’. “Oh Hell NO!” she repeated.
Hermione crossed to Harry, took a fist full of his shirt and pulled him into an open mouth kiss, with Ginny protesting loudly. When she broke the kiss he had a dazed look on his face.
“For SEVEN years I’ve always been there for you. Last year you made a choice so I settled for Ron. I could live with being with the comedy relief. I could live with his feeding himself like a retarded spider monkey. I could live with becoming a baby factory. I could even live with not having a job. BUT I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS!” She dug into her ever present book bag. “You all found my constant studying to be so humorous well this is one of the books I’ve been studying!” she handed Harry a well thumbed copy of the Kama Sutra. “Look at page 74. I want to do that every night.”
Harry found the page in question, and his eyes widened.
“Oh my god, that’s gross I’d NEVER do that.”
Harry found his voice. “Shush Ginny, we’re talking” He turned his attention to Hermione. “Every night?”
“Every night except the nights you wanted to try page 80.” She offered him a grin, “and maybe even those nights.”
Harry looked up page 80. “Sweet Merlin.”
Ginny rounded on Hermione “That’s disgusting; no woman with an ounce of self respect would ever do anything so, so, DIRTY!”
Harry turned to Ginny. “Never?”
“Never!” she agreed.
“Ginny, it’s been fun. We’ll be seeing you.” He hooked his arm around Hermione. “So, when you say ‘every night’ what does that mean for mornings and afternoons?”
The crowd stared as the Man who Conquered and the Woman who Got Him walked away.
Luna tossed a money bag containing the agreed upon 50 Galleons to Lavender. And took Ron’s arm, snuggling in close.
“Why yes Ronald, this model DOES come in Chudley Orange.”
She loved it when a plan came together.
This story has been marked as suitable for adult readers only.