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A/N: I don’t own Harry Potter and wouldn’t particularly care to. I would like a rental agreement with option to buy for Hermione Granger. A short term contract with Nyphadora Tonks wouldn’t be turned down. A Long-term agreement with Luna Lovegood would probably be a whole lot of fun. Any time Padma Patil wants to open negotiations, call me and oh for a weekend with Fleur. Oddly Lavender and Padma’s sister (despite being her twin) Parvarti do nothing for me…

A/N2: My deepest apologies to Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim. – Oh and to William Shakespeare, who they ripped off in the first place.

Harry Potter and Hogwarts The Musical.

The house lights came up in the opulent, if little used and heretofore unmentioned Phineas Nigellus Black Theater. Lucius Malfoy, clad in jodhpurs, a puffy sleeved shirt open to the navel, paddock boots, and a beret strode out onto the stage.

“People!” he announced clapping to get the attention of the gathered Slytherins. “We open in three days. And. We. Are. Not. Ready!” He struck his pimp cane on the stage to emphasize each of the last five words. “Now perhaps you want to get to opening night in a show called “Lord Voldemort Presents, Lucius Malfoy’s Hogwarts The Musical starring Lord Voldemort” so fundamentally unready, but I for one do NOT. Set it up for the Slytherin Love Song. Oh, and Flint? Hit your cues, or I will kill you.”

Lucius returned to his seat in fourth row center, and the house lights went down. The curtains opened to show a set that was a remarkably accurate reproduction of the Slytherin common room.

(Spoken)

Flint: Against the Gryffs we need every man we got.

Vinnie: Draco don't belong any more.

Flint: Cut it, Vinnie boy. I and Draco started the Slyths.

Vinnie: Well, he acts like he don't wanna belong.

Zabini: Who wouldn't wanna belong to the Slyths!

Vinnie: Draco ain't been with us for over a month.

Nott: What about the day we clobbered the 'Puffs?

Greg: Which we couldn't have done without Draco.

Zabini: He saved my ever-lovin' neck!

Flint: Right! He's always come through for us and he will now.

(sings)

When you're a Slyth,

You're a Slyth all the way

From your time with the hat

To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Slyth,

If a trolls in the can,

You got brothers around,

You're a family man!

You're never alone,

You're never disconnected!

You're home with your own:

When company's expected,

You're well protected!

Then you are set

With a capital S,

Which you'll never forget

When you're in a mess.

When you're a Slyth,

You stay a Slyth!

(spoken)

Flint: I know Draco like I know me. I guarantee you can count him in.

Vinnie: In, out, let's get crackin'.

Greg: Where you gonna find Potter?

Flint: At the dance tonight at the Great Hall.

Pucey: But the Great Hall's neutral territory.

Flint: (innocently) I'm gonna make nice there! I'm only gonna challenge him.

Greg: Great, Daddy-O!

Flint: So everybody dress up sweet and sharp.

ALL (sing)

Oh, when the Slyths fall in at the cornball dance,

We'll be the sweetest dressin' house in pants!

And when the chicks dig us in our Slyth black ties,

They're gonna flip, gonna flop, gonna drop like flies!

Flint: (Spoken) Hey. Cool. Easy. Sweet. Meet Draco and me at ten. And walk tall!

Greg: We always walk tall!

Zabini: We're Slyths!

Vinnie: The greatest!

Vinnie and Zabini (sing)

When you're a Slyth,

You're the top cat in town,

You're the gold medal kid

With the heavyweight crown!

Greg, Vinnie, Nott

When you're a Slyth,

You're the swingin'est thing:

Little boy, you're a man;

Little man, you're a king!

ALL

The Slyths are in gear,

Our wand are all clickin'!

The Gryffs'll steer clear

'Cause ev'ry Blood Traitor's a chicken!

Here come the Slyths

Like greasy bats out of hell.

Someone gets in our way,

Someone don't feel so well!

Here come the Slyths:

Mudblood, step aside!

Better go to your tower,

Better run, better hide!

We're drawin' the line,

So keep your noses hidden!

We're hangin' a sign,

Says "Mudbloods forbidden"

And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Slyths,

Yeah! And we're gonna hassle

Ev'ry last bloody house

On the whole bloody castle!

On the whole!

Bloody!

Castle!

Yeah!

The lights went down on stage to a blackout. Then all the lights in the house came up.

“Alright, that was better.” Lucius said from his director’s perch. “But it was still the single worst piece of crap I’ve ever seen. Work on not sucking quite so much every one. Set it up for Draco’s solo!”

The curtain closed and the stage hands hurriedly set up the requested scene. After a few moments the curtain opened to show an amazingly detailed replica of the Quidditch Pitch. Draco strode out on stage.”

“From the top Draco.” Lucius called.

The music started, and Draco ignored his cue. The music stopped. “What’s wrong Draco?”

“What’s my motivation father?”

“Crucio!” The blond boy collapsed to the stage screaming. Lucius stopped the curse. “Feeling motivated yet?”

“Yes Father” Draco panted. “I’m ready.”

Draco

(spoken)

Ginevra . . .

(sings)

The most beautiful sound I ever heard:

Ginevra, Ginevra, Ginevra, Ginevra . . .

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .

Ginevra, Ginevra, Ginevra, Ginevra . . .

Ginevra!

I've just met a witch named Ginevra,

And suddenly that name

Will never be the same

To me.

Ginevra!

I've just kissed a witch named Ginevra,

And suddenly I've found

How wonderful a sound

Can be!

Ginevra!

Say it loud and there's music playing,

Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

Ginevra,

I'll never stop saying Ginevra!

The most beautiful sound I ever heard.

Ginevra.

The lights came up again.

“Alright, that was pretty good Draco. Try your other solo as long as that set is up.”

“Yes Father.”

The lights in the theater went down again, and a single spot framed the blond Slytherin.

Draco (singing)

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty,

I feel pretty and witty and bright!

And I pity

Any boy who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,

Oh, so charming

It's alarming how charming I feel!

And so pretty

That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty boy in that mirror there:

Who can that attractive boy be?

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty robe,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning

And entrancing,

Feel like running and dancing with a whirl,

For I'm loved

By a blood traitor girl!

SLYTHS

Have you met my good friend Draco,

The craziest boy in the house?

You'll know him the minute you see him,

He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock.

He thinks He's in love.

He thinks He's in Spain.

He isn't in love,

He's merely insane.

It must be the heat

Or some rare disease,

Or maybe a potion

Or maybe it's fleas.

Keep away from him,

Send for Snape!

This is not the

Draco we know!

Modest and pure,

Polite and refined,

Well-bred and mature

And out of him mind!

Draco

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the castle should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

SLYTHS

La la la la . . .

Draco

I feel dizzy,

I feel sunny,

I feel fizzy and funny and fine,

And so pretty,

The Dark Lord can just resign!

SLYTHS

La la la la . . .

Draco

See the pretty boy in that mirror there:

SLYTHS

What mirror where?

Draco

Who can that attractive boy be?

SLYTHS

Which? What? Where? Whom?

Draco

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty robe,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

SLYTHS

Such a pretty me!

ALL

I feel stunning

And entrancing,

Feel like running and dancing with a whirl,

For I'm loved

By a blood traitor girl!

The lights came up.

“Why am I cursed to work with Amateurs?” Lucius asked the gods. “Alright strike that scene, set up for the fight scene.”

As the curtain closed, Voldemort stormed in. “Lucius, these re-writes of yours make no sense, I don’t have enough lines! Crucio!”

---ooo000ooo---

In the lighting booth Hermione Granger leaned against one of the support stanchions and shook her head in wonder.

“Who would have thought that the Slytherins would be so into Musical Theater?”

“I would think it would be obvious, I mean look at Draco.” Luna said, from her seat on Harry’s lap. “If Hogwarts ever had a Diva, it’s him.”

“Is everything ready for next week Love?” asked Harry.

“Oh yes, you are now a fully credentialed journalist. Father sent over you press pass, it’s in the inside pocket of my robe.” Her voice went throaty. “Would you like to find it yourself?”

“No bother Love.” He reached inside her robe to get his prize.

Luna shuddered. “OOOHH! That’s not a pocket Harry, but don’t let that stop you from searching some more!”

“Will you two cut it out before I turn a hose on you?” Hermione was delighted that Harry had found love, but they did it everywhere, not caring who was in the room. “Fine, your plan is coming together, but how does this defeat Voldemort?”

“Harry is going to hit him where it hurts, hurt him in ways Voldemort cannot even imagine.”

“Luna’s right. The Power the Dark Lord knows not? The Power of the Theater Critic!” Harry smiled.

---ooo000ooo---

Omakes:

Well, not really, just a collection of songs offered by others, but I didn’t use.

donelsenheimer

Minerva!
I just met a witch named Minerva!
And suddenly that name,
Will never mean the same, to me!

Me again.

I like to be in a Fan Fiction!
O.K. by me in a Fan Fiction!
Ev'ryone gets lines in a Fan Fiction!
But no one get paid in a Fan Fiction!

RON
I sometimes get laid in a Fan Fiction!

Don again, channeling Guys and Dolls (which would be Wizs and Witches I guess)

What's the latest magical movie?
I'll tell you what's the latest magical movie.
A picture about a Ravenclaw wizard, falls in love with a Beuxbatons girl
That he sacrifices everything and gives up his Stilton for Brie,
That's the latest magical movie.

What's in the Daily Prophet?
I'll tell you what's in the Daily Prophet.
Story about a Gryph who emptied out his vault
Just to buy his wife a charmed golden locket.
That's what's in the Daily Prophet.

What's happening all over?
I'll tell you what's happening all over.
Slytherin sitting home by a wireless set
That used to be something of a rover.

That's what's happening all over.

Love is the thing that has nipped them.
And it looks like Harry's just another victim.

NEVILLE (spoken) Yes, sir!

When you see a mage changing all of his ways
You can bet that he's doing it for some witch.
When a Dark Lord's plans for domination are canned
Chances are he's been tamed by a magical dame, as only dames can.

When a Pygmie Puff rides a warlock's shoulder with pride,
Easy enough to figure that wizard has got it bad.

Call it said, call it funny,
But you can bet even money,
That the wizard's only doing for some witch.

If a sorcerer sweats, seeking tight abs and pecs
Make a bet that working out for some hag.
When a timid Huff's battling dragons all night
Who the hell would you say, has made him that way, all ready to fight?

When a Canon's fan, gives up orange for tan
And his robes no long bear logos of Quidditch teams.

Call it sad, call it fickle
Ah, but you can bet every sickle
That the wizard's only doing it for some witch
Some witch, some witch
The wizard's only doing it for some witch!

And Don doing “The Sound of Magic”

Fresh-potted mandrakes and cauldrons that boil,
Pranks that embarrass Drake, Crabbe and Goyle,
Beauxbatons witches in heels and g-strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Then KittycatGirl85 got into the act:

The halls are alive with the sound of magic
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The halls fill my heart with the sound of music
My magic wants to cast every spell it hears

My magic wants to beat like the wings of the birds
that rise from the spell of Avis
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
from the spell Sonitus
To laugh like the Firsties when they trip and fall over the trick step
stair
To work through the night on Potions while pulling their hair

I go to Hogwarts when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sound of magic
And I'll sing once more

Then, predictably, pathetically, I responded with:

How do you solve a problem like Hermione?
How do you give a test that she can fail?

How do you solve a problem like Hermione?

A know it all, she never shuts up, she’s pale…

Then Ed Becerra chimed it with:

"The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of Magic,
With Spells they have sung, for a thousand years!
The hills fill my heart with the sound of Magic
My wand wants to cast every spell I hear!"

and threatened us all with “Maybe more later.”

Chris LeBron returns us to a West Side story libretto with:

"Nar-ci-ssa!
I just met a witch named Narcissa!
And suddenly that name,
Will never mean the same, to me!"

Then Don chimed in again with a song From Bye Bye Voldie:

Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Throw a good hex at Snape;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Throw a good hex at Snape.
Shake off that exploding potion,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Think of a painful prank now,
One that makes fat from thin;
Conjur some nasty gall stones,
Transfigure his balls to tin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just throw a good hex at Snape!

Followed by Don’s tribute to “The Music Mage”

Seventy-six Death Eaters led the big attack
With a hundred and ten banshees close at hand.
They were followed by boats and boats of the fiercest lycantropes
The cream of ev'ry werewolf band.

Seventy-six Death Eaters cast the fiercest spells
With a hundred and twelve vampires right behind
There were more than a thousand wraiths
Haunting every place
There was beasts of ev'ry shape and kind.

There were angry giants whose every steps were thundering,
Thundering, thundering all along the way.
Boggarts, brownies, basilisks and mountain trolls,
Every troll having its big, fat say!

There were fifty nasty dragons breathing fire balls
Firing flames, firing flames, heating up the gore.
Evil beasts of ev'ry size
And inferi who couldn't die
Cause they had already passed before!

Then Don offered up Ron’s solo from “A Hexux Line” (they can’t all be gems)

Kiss my arse goodbye,
The NEWTS all start tomorrow.
Wish me luck, it'll have to do.
But I can't regret
How I lazed all term, how I lazed all term.
Look my inkwell's dry.
My friends won't let me borrow.
It's as if Hermione knew,
She won't let me forget, how I lazed all term,
How I lazed all term.
Gone,
Semester's come and gone.
When I get my grades,
Mum will long remember.
Kiss my arse goodbye,
And point me t'ward the muggles.
I did what I wanted to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
How I lazed all term.

Twilliams1797 tried to redeem us with is version of Voldemort, Dead Dark Lord…

Vol Da Mort
Dead Dark Lord
Run Through and Gutted
By Harrys' Sword

Voldemort
Dead Dark Lord
Was Tom Riddle, But Now is
no more

And finally, twilliams1797 with his version of America sung by Harry

I've just met a girl named Her-mi-on-ee
I can tell, I can tell
she's the one for me
her love of books,
her cur-i-os-it-y
she doesn't need potions to get to me

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