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A/N: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor any of the Jay Ward Productions Characters mentioned herein. But you knew that.
Xenophilius Lovegood, Xeno to his friends stood with his back to his tent, both hands grasping his waist and bending backwards to extend his spine after a wonderful night in the jungle. The pops and cracks of his spine signaled that his morning ritual was complete and he turned to find his daughter, Luna, standing at his side with his morning cup of tea.
"You know love," he said after a noisy slurp, "when you first suggested surveying the jungles of Mbebwe this summer I thought you'd gone mad. I mean just the idea of a continent as well explored as Africa holding undiscovered Magical Cryptids is absurd on its face. But I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong."
"I know you prefer exotic locations like Sweden and Bristol, Daddy," Nineteen year old Luna said daintily sipping at her own china cup. "But, I'd heard so much about Mbebwe while I was at Hogwarts, now that I've finished school, I just knew we should try here."
The two continued to survey the majesty of the Mbebweian Jungle for several moments, before Luna looked up and gasped.
"Oh, my," she said looking up into the canopy and pointing. "What is that?"
Xeno peered up into the trees and spotted what, or rather who, his daughter was pointing at. A young man of perhaps 20, lean of body and chiseled of features, his hair a windblown mess.
"Oh, that's a Jungle Man, Luna. They're fairly common and not terribly interesting. The most famous among them is of course Tarzan of the Mangani. Then of course there is Kazar of Antarctica, there's that odd fellow in the Amazon and a few others. There are some Jungle women as well, but I believe the local Jungle Man is named George."
"No, Daddy, not him," Luna insisted still pointing. "That!"
Xeno followed her gesture and identified what so interested her with a smile. "That's his penis, my dear."
"Oh," Luna said, her eyes focused piercingly on the appendage in question. "I like penis."
"Well," Xeno chuckled, "you are your mother's daughter."
Not three feet away from the pair, a huge lion emerged from the brush and roared.
Twenty year old Little Guy had been keeping an eye on the visitors since they had entered the jungles of Mbebwe two days before, and had come to the conclusion that they were nothing more than tourist fellas. He had almost been ready to leave when the pair spotted him.
Unlike most tourist fellas, they hadn't gotten very excited about spotting someone in the canopy, though the Yellow Haired fella did point at him for quite a while.
When the lion appeared, Little Guy launched himself from the tree toward the jungle floor without a thought.
"Leon!" Little Guy scolded as he landed, "you know better than…"
The jungle boy's eyes widened when he saw that rather than bolt in fear from the lion, the Yellow Haired fella with the wide eyes had instead thrown herself onto of the big cat with a wide armed hug.
"Oh, he's so cute!" Yellow Haired fella proclaimed as she rubbed her cheek along the jowl of the deeply confused and extremely embarrassed lion. "Look!" she exclaimed as she placed her head under Leon's jaw, "just like my Gryffindor hat!"
"Indeed," Old fella agreed, "the likeness is amazing." The Old fella reached down and pulled Leon's left forepaw up to his eye level and began examining the paw with an odd device he held up to his eye. "Sadly, however, this fellow is nothing more than a common Panthera Leo, nothing magical about him at all."
Old fella dropped Leon's paw and turned to Little Guy and extended his hand. "George of the Jungle I presume?"
"No, Daddy," Yellow Haired fella interjected before Little Guy could respond. "That's Little Guy, the jungle wizard who attended Hogwarts the year before I started. Mr. of the Jungle would be an older man."
Old fella leaned forward to better examine Little Guy's face, "I do believe you're right Luna. Excuse me Mr. Guy, where might I find George of the Jungle?"
Finding himself sharing Leon's deep confusion, Little Guy pointed to the south west, "Three kilometers that way. Big tree house in middle of clearing, ring bell."
"Excellent, coming Luna?" Old fella asked.
"No, Daddy," Yellow Hair fella answered as Leon escaped her clutches and snuck away as quickly as possible. "I was thinking I might stay here and talk with Little Guy."
3,964 miles away, Severus Snape cracked open his left eye as sleep escaped his grasp. He rolled onto his back, blinking the sleep grit from his eyes and running both hands through his hair for a good morning scratch.
Then he heard it. The scrabbling of feet heading his way.
They were coming for him.
He pulled the blankets over his head, knowing that it wouldn't hide him, but a man could hope.
He still missed his time in the Potions lab, but his damned luck had made that impossible. Minerva's desire to concentrate on teaching had allowed him to move into her position as the Deputy Headmaster, where it seemed that his luck had extended to the entire school.
They were at the door. Severus feigned sleep. Maybe it would work.
It never had before.
"Potions Professor fella is married?" Little Guy asked incredulously.
"Oh, yes," Yellow Haired fella nodded. "Several times over."
"More than one Wife fella?" Little Guy asked, trying to imagine such a thing given the example he had been given by his Mum and Dad. "Why?"
"Professor Sinestra-Snape likes to share," Yellow Haired fella said with a shrug.
"Wow," Little Guy said, trying to imagine Potions Professor fella with Star Professor fella, and failing. The two seemed so different, but then Mum and Dad seemed different too.
"First there was Professor Sinestra-Snape," Yellow Haired fella recounted, "they were married before my first year, then here was Madam Rosmerta-Snape, that marriage was on All Hallows Eve of my first year, then there was Madam Youdle-Snape seven months later…" Yellow Haired fella seemed to think for a moment, "after that I lost track. There seemed to be a new wife every six months or so. I think he got up to 12 wives before he stopped."
"Woah," Little Guy breathed. "When Potions Professor fella starts having kids, there will be lots."
Yellow Haired fella just smiled at that. "Starts?"
Dozens of tiny hands pulled at his blankets. High pitched voices called his hated second name.
"Daddy!" the miniature horde chorused in cheerful voices as they pulled the blankets from his body. In seconds he was mobbed by more than three dozen children.
"I kept them out as long as I could," Aurora said in an amused tone from where she stood leaning in the door jam. "I know you like to sleep late on weekends Husband."
"Daddy!" one of the girls said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She was, if he was any judge, one of the many three year olds. Carmella? Megan? Pricilla? It was so hard to tell, given that each of his wives seemed to get pregnant every time he slept with them, if they weren't already pregnant or nursing, and each one delivered multiples with each pregnancy, sometimes twins, sometimes quadruplets or more, but usually triplets, and of course his Felix affected hair and skin bred true in each of the children. They all looked so much alike. So much like him
"Good morning, children," he said, sitting up.
Severus detested children… but these were… his.
Besides, Aurora would castrate him and all the luck in the world wouldn't save him.
"Come to breakfast, Daddy," the girl hugging his neck said, the phrase repeated by all the rest of the children capable of speech, and garbled by those still learning.
Aurora was still smiling at him, "yes Daddy, come to breakfast. You'll likely be needed in your office in less than an hour."
"Hermione is working for the Ministry in International Relations while studying at Oxford," Yellow Haired fella recalled.
"Smart Fella, always busy with books," Little Guy nodded. "Any others?"
"Well," Yellow Haired fella said, "Lavender is working for Daddy as a reporter for his fashion magazine."
"Tall Blond fella," Little Guy nodded. "What about Girl fella?"
"Pansy?" Yellow Haired fella asked with a small smile, "she managed to get out of her betrothal… it seems Draco is a bit bent."
Little Guy nodded, while wondering what Yellow Hair fella meant when saying Blondie Fella was bent, and if that was as painful as it sounded. How did a fella end up bent anyway? He had hit some trees pretty hard, but had never ended up bent in any meaningful way.
"Pansy told us that she had to explain the difference between boys and girls to you," Yellow Haired fella said with a smile.
"Know now," Little Guy said with a blush. "Witch Doctor's daughters help with lessons."
"Did they?" Yellow Haired fella said with a smile.
As was his habit, Severus was in his office at noon on Saturdays, wondering what effect his luck would have on the school this year.
After becoming the Deputy Headmaster in July of 1992 after Minerva had demanded to be allowed to step down to concentrate on her teaching and Head of House duties.
Severus' uselessness in the Potions lab had made him prime candidate for the position.
On September first, it became evident that the oaths he had taken upon assuming the job had somehow caused his 'luck' to expand to cover the school. The first best evidence for this was when a small diary in the possession of Ginevra Weasley burst into flames as soon as she carried it across the ward boundary.
'Luckily' the girl was unharmed, though deeply frightened and worried about Tom, who lived in the diary. Albus turned the remains of the diary over to the Unspeakables, who identified it as a destroyed Horcrux. One that had links to their prisoner in amber. Those links 'luckily' led the Unspeakables to several other detached pieces of the Dark Lord's soul, including one in a hidden room at Hogwarts.
The following year, a lack of applicants for the vacant Defense Against the Dark Arts 'forced' Albus to offer the position to Remus Lupin. The Werewolf had the temerity to accept the position after Albus promised that Severus would personally brew the Wolfsbane potion needed to keep the monster at bay.
All was well until the night Severus was brewing the November dosage. It was late, he was tired and honestly, he didn't care about the brew. As he worked he was wishing with all his heart that he would never need to brew Wolfsbane again, and he made a mistake while reaching for his ingredients.
The mistake didn't really worry Severus, trusting, as he had come to, that his luck would present the proper potion even if he left all the ingredients out.
That evening, he presented the Wolfsbane to Lupin, who thanked him, tipped back the goblet, draining it in the manner of one long familiar with potions, and collapsing to the floor, unconscious.
When Lupin woke the next day in the Hospital Wing, he no longer showed any signs of lycanthropy. The following full moon came and past without Lupin showing any signs of the disease.
Severus had cured lycanthropy, without even trying. 'Luckily' unlike any of his other accidental potions this one could be replicated by almost anyone.
Every magical government in the world wanted the cure and were willing to pay to get it.
In short, Severus Snape suddenly became extremely, absurdly, rich.
Though he continued to find himself tripping over lost money bags.
"But,Pulchell, you must study the stars and planets to discern their portents," Bane insisted.
"Don't be absurd, Daddy," his filly said with a sniff. "Do you really expect us to believe that our lives could possibly be effected by the position of stars and planets at the moment of our births?"
"She's got you there, Old Paint," Captio laughed. The young stallion was Pulchell's latest beau, and one of the annoying followers of Ronan and his accursed 'science'.
Bane resisted the impulse to attack the youngster and turned again to his daughter. "The brightness of celestial objects…"
"Is nothing more than the effects of atmospherics on the available light," Captio interjected. "You're basing your predictions on nothing more than an optical illusion."
Why? Bane wondered to himself. Why hadn't he strangled that damned Tookie Tookie bird when he had the chance?
Upon returning from the Yule break in January of 1994 Severus spotted Ronald Weasley playing with a pet rat during breakfast. When the Deputy approached the boy to scold him for such an unhygienic act, the rat 'luckily' transformed into Peter Pettigrew.
The man quickly fell to several stunning spells from various students reacting to a grown man suddenly manifesting from nowhere.
The discovery that Pettigrew was still alive resulted in a new flurry of investigations by the Aurors office, with Amelia Bones going on a tear through Magical Britain. Pettigrew's interrogation under Veritaserum led to the man's arrest.
This led to Sirius Black being released from Azkaban, followed quickly by many of the previously 'vindicated' accused Death Eaters ending up under their own doses of the Truth Potion, which led to an increase in the prisoner population at the Wizarding Prison.
The 1995-96 school year brought the Triwizard Tournament to Hogwarts, with representatives from Durmstang and Beauxbatons coming to witness the events and take part in the tournament.
The Hogwarts representative to the competition was the young popular Hufflepuff Cedric Diggory. In an amazing display of skill, discipline and… luck, Diggory swept the three tasks, showing himself and Hogwarts to be the undisputed champions of the games.
The heads of Durmstang and Beauxbatons were livid. Albus was conciliatory and Severus did his level best to not gloat.
"So, I'm hoping that you will be able to assist me in my search for cryptids, Mr. Of the Jungle," Xeno said in conclusion.
George scratched his head in confusion, "Crypt-ids?"
"Our friend Xenophilius is asking for aid in finding and cataloging animals that are unknown to science, George," Ape said helpfully.
"Indeed," Xeno agreed.
"Oh," George said nodding his head. "Okie Dokie, George help, and Little Guy too if he not busy."
"Ah, yes," Xeno nodded. "Little Guy, I left him with my daughter so that she could catch him up on the happenings at Hogwarts since his departure almost 9 years ago."
"Has it really been 9 years?" Ursula asked as she arrived to serve a light lunch. "It seems just yesterday that he, Spot and Tookie left for Scotland."
"He not so little guy now," George noted.
Little Guy's traveling call echoed throughout the forest, only to stop suddenly when the tree house suddenly shuttered. The eyes of the assembled adults focused upon the tree trunk in the middle of George and Ursula's tree house as Little Guy slowly slid down from the hole in the ceiling to the floor.
"Ow!" Little Guy said rubbing his nose with his left hand, while his right arm was wrapped around a young blond bikini clad woman, who was applauding with glee.
"That was fun," Luna effused. "Let's do it again."
"Ah, speaking of my daughter," Xeno said happily. "Mr. and Mrs. Of the Jungle, Ape, may I introduce Luna Lovegood, my daughter, who appears to have made some changes to her wardrobe…" Xeno noted when he saw that Luna had, at some point, exchanged her safari clothes for a leopard skin bikini.
"I won't be Luna Lovegood for too much longer, Daddy," Luna said with a blush. "Little Guy and I are to be married."
"Married?" Ape echoed.
"Oh, yes," Luna nodded enthusiastically. "We were discussing the people he remembered from Hogwarts and how their lives are progressing, and then, after a time, we found we were in love."
"Little Guy pretty sure it took four times," Little Guy corrected his fiancé.
"Four wonderful times," she sighed. "Again?"
"Little Guy not machine, Luna fella."
"Oh," Ursula sighed, clasping her hands together and bringing them to her cheek. "This is so romantic. George, this is exactly the way we met."
"Yep," George agreed, knuckling away a tear. "He grow up so fast.
Twelve years later:
Severus took his seat for the welcoming feast, his first as Headmaster. He looked out across the Great Hall at the assembled students.
He tried not to think about the majority of them being his children.
Aurora, his Deputy, led the first years in to the Great Hall for their sorting. As was his wont, Severus was concentrating on the Gryffindor table where the latest horde of Weasley offspring were sitting innocently.
No doubt plotting something.
So concentrated on the Gryffindors, Severus actually missed the first few sortings, until he heard something that chilled his soul.
"Of the Jungle," Aurora said clearly. "Pretty Girl."
Severus watched with wide eyes as a tiny blond child clad in a leopard skin swimming suit disappeared under the sorting hat, only to have the hat shout "Hufflepuff!"
Little Guy had reproduced? Severus asked himself in horror.
"Of the Jungle," His wife called out, "Big Boy."
A child in a loincloth and hair like his father's loped out to the three legged stool, and the Hat shouted "Gryffindor!"
Twins? Severus' dread grew even as he realized his wife was not finished.
"Of the Jungle," She called out, "The Other One."
Another loincloth clad boy swung out to the sorting stool on a conjured vine, only to be sorted to Slytherin.
The sorting was interrupted by the Headmaster collapsing into a sobbing fit.
This story has been marked as suitable for adult readers only.